Thursday, December 20, 2007

The squirrel is dead

Here is the obit for the squirrel.

I am pasting it here, with only minor editing (to remove my place of work, etc.). Thank you, Kim, for writing the obituary. I am too broken up to do so. ;)

CEILING TILE ABOVE FRED’S DESK-Stanley Q. Squirrel, the oldest vermin of Janet and Dwayne Squirrel, was found dead December 20, 2007, after a long and eventful vacation above the offices of XYZ, Inc. Stan, 7 months, was surprised and shocked when his life was cut short so close to the holidays. His plans to forage for candy from Fred's coworker's mother-in-law will be continued out by his close friends Amanda and Herbert who are now considered on the lam from the PETA-approved trap that took their friend’s life. Stan will be remembered as a bon vivant, who liked to lick his paws after visits to the trash cans outside of the elevators on P2. Fortunately for XYZ, Inc., many of the trade secrets and upcoming XYZ Journal article topics he wasn’t supposed to hear about are now safe from the prying ears of squirrels who would have shared this news with the editorial staff of journals similar to the one produced by XYZ, Inc. Stan leaves behind Loretta, his wife of six days and their unborn squirrel. Loretta is missing some fur, but is expected to have some regrowth once the XYZ, Inc., offices close for the holidays and she can narf around in desks looking for dark chocolate and biscotti with corn in it. Since there is no body, the funeral will be closed casket or in this case, closed empty box of nuggets from Chick-Fil-A. In lieu of flowers, please be kind to all squirrels you see at work. Who knows – the next time you see them, they may be in the jaws of the facility manager’s squirrel tongs.


Jodi said...

"His plans to forage for candy from Fred's coworker's mother-in-law"

This line made me laugh outloud. I'm glad no one is around to ask what's so funny